Suguru's Suicide
by AkiyaRaeXVI
Summary: Suguru loves the forbidden, but exactly how far is he willing to go to stare lovingly into the aquamarine eyes of our local blonde haired President? Read and find out...


**Title: **Suguru's Suicide

**Author: **Meggii-kun

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Gravitation. It is the sole work of Maki Murakami but I have this to say: I TOLD YOU I'D PUT THESE TWO TOGETHER MWAHAHAHAHA!

**Warnings: **Yeah the normal for me, Yaoi, Yaoicest, Shounen-Ai, and I think a sex scene (if you squint real hard)

**Authors Note: **I can't really explain why this one engulfed me, but the idea of Suguru really hurting himself by the unbeknownst hands of Tohma Seguchi always has lured me into intrigue.

* * *

_My necklace reminds me of Tohma, maybe a bit too much._

_The chain itself is worn and old, but looks as beautiful as the day I received it, although Tohma is older now, he is still as useful and beautiful as the day I was born._

_The star pendant, given to me by him when I was young. Just after Nittle Grasper's first Platinum album. He gave it to me with these words, "You're a star and one day you're really going to shine." I learned later that it was the star of protection and love._

_The five yen coin, found underneath his McDonald's cup after a blast of a day with Tohma, a special date. He linked it to my chain and told me to never forget this day; I haven't._

_Finally the ring, made from pure platinum, like the only album's he makes. Given to me just before he left for New York with Eiri Uesugi. Every little detail of this ring reminds me of Tohma. From the scattered diamonds that are so clear and see through until light gets in and it refracts, just like Tohma's eyes, you think you understand what he is really thinking but in the end, he refracted the light on you, you only saw what he wanted you to see. And the two word inscription, "I care." He never had to say that one out loud, in fact he never has, it was in the light strokes on my hair, the gentle coaxing on my piano lessons and that haunting lullaby that once meant so much that now permeates my sleeping hour so horribly._

_Finally, the ring reminds me of New York, he truly changed there. Before he left he was kind, loving and I thought I had a chance, now, after the incident that occurred all he thinks about is that entity, I even heard from a reliable source that he had once said "Eiri is the person I love moist in this world." I cried that night; more than I have ever cried in my life times ten._

_I loved him. It hurts to see him everyday, smiling, being happy, not loving Mika (his wife), loving her brother, ignoring me. Ignoring me completely, ignoring me constantly, and talking only of work. Always hating me, hating me indefinitely, his little clone. The only thing I haven't mastered is the Seguchi Smile._

_I don't know how he does it, or when it began to look so real, but I do know that I stopped falling for it three years ago. Now all I want to do is relieve all that pain, I want to save my cousin from himself. I want to offer my body as a sacrilegious gift to sedate the fire of hate and replace it with love and lust._

_He'll never know it, but I've tried to keep myself as pure as possible for him, aside from being the 'prefect' student a talented musician and nicely well mannered and looking, I've never touched myself sexually. I shower twice a day; I use only the body, skin and hair products that he recommends. When I get aroused I sleep it off, and miraculously, I've never had a wet dream. (Although there have been plenty of close-calls, after hard-core dreams of him)_

_After his return from New York, I wanted to kill Eiri, now I just want to kill myself. I lost all chances, however slim, because of that little incident. It's not like I don't know what it's like; hello, my father raped me three times a day until he was incarcerated. But that just doesn't compare to one gang rape in New York, does it?_

_Yes I loved Tohma Seguchi deeply, but I can't anymore. The pain is immense. I'm lucky no one has seen my mutilated wrists or the offending weapons. No one has noticed how painful it is for me to play my pride and joy with false enthusiasm; they haven't noticed the raging fires of pain, that sadistically, I enjoy._

_Right now, no one has found the dagger that is underneath my bed. I bought it with an inscription to Tohma, that I will end this pain and suffering forever. I will cut deeper than I've ever cut before, I will not hide the blood or stop it from flowing down my wrists. I will let the blood fall along with my tears of deepest regrets._

_All just to say two words to my beloved. Just a mingle of useless thank-you's and fake it's-all-my-faults. Two words to say the love and hate of my life, two words to let him know that I will no longer be there to bother him, two words to let him know I'm gone forever._

_Good Bye._

_**Suguru Fujisaki

* * *

**_

Suguru Fujisaki opened his eyes. Everything was white, there was small hope that it had worked, and he was now dead. But when pain alerted him of his more conscious state of wakefulness, he muttered the only word that was pulsing through his mind.

"Damn."

"Mr. Fujisaki, can you hear me?" A voice resonated from above the boy.

"Damn." He repeated, sadness welling up inside him. His hands reached his face as an immeasurable amount of tears started falling down his cheeks. The tension in the room, which he was full of doctors and nurses, as the sixteen year old genius wept over not being dead.

"Damn." He said again, but before he could add another couple of words, he had fallen asleep. His body exhausted from the recent blood loss and rough treatment.

A brown haired, dark brown eyed woman came up from behind the doctors and sat next to the boy she knew all too well. She seen the stains of extended tears, mingled with the remnants of black eye liner and mascara.

Mika Seguchi was no idiot. She was still clutching the suicide note. She and she alone knew the reason behind this sudden act of self harm. She knew not of the other times until reading the note, now the only things she ultimately found herself thinking were to talk to her husband and make him visit his cousin and settle a few matters.

Until then, she thought leaving the private hospital room which ultimately Tohma's credit card was paying for; she was going to tell the only other people she thought might care.

The next day Suguru awoke again, there was a food tray next to his bed, staring at the food dumbly he ended up flipping the plate to hear china shatter, staring down at the oh-so-inviting shards, he began thinking of what he had tried to do and curse Mika for saving him.

The door opened and said cursed person walked in. She quickly had someone come in and clear away the sharp objects in fear the poor boy may do it again.

Several minutes passed, when finally the members of Bad Luck entered the room, almost solemnly.

Hiro was the first on to speak to Suguru.

"How are you feeling?"

"I was just cheated out of my own death, how do you think I feel?" Suguru snapped, that was all he had heard since waking up yesterday 'are you ok?' 'How are you feeling?' 'Do you seem better?'

Their manager Kei seemed to be doing exceptionally well in maintaining his trigger-happy attitude for even he had his head bowed.

"You can tell us about it can't you? We are after all, friends." Shuichi, that pink haired idiot said.

"We are not friends Mr. Shindou." Suguru said venomously. "We work together in a band and that's where it stops." Shuichi almost high tailed out of the room, Hiro soon followed.

"Bring my keyboard and I can do whatever work you deem fit Mr. Kei." Suguru said half-heartedly.

"Oh no, no music or laptops for you my child, you need rest." Kei said almost softly, before chasing after the other two with a magnum in hand.

Three days later, there was no sign of Tohma, no sign of getting released and only Mika for company.

The door opened and a nurse entered, she had light flowing violet hair and dark eyes.

"Mr. Fujisaki, I am here to inform you that you will need to remain in the hospital for about week or two, depending on how you feel, Mrs. Seguchi, may we please have a word with you outside." Mika nodded, released her hand from Suguru's and stepped outside.

Suguru smiled, all the best gay porn happened in a hospital right? What better setting for Tohma to show? Half smiling at the insane thought, he begun to notice the pain in his stomach, his body was screaming for food, come to think of it, it had been almost four days since he had eaten.

Mika walked in again, as if telepathic, with a large plate of food.

"Eat up, while I tell you the news." Suguru grabbed the fork and unceremoniously started wolfing the food down. "The nurse in charge of you, Dr. Raeline, has asked me to consult you about seeing a therapist."

"No." Suguru said between mouthfuls. "I'm not a loon, I knew perfectly well what I was doing, why I was doing it and who I was doing it for…" Suguru stopped for a moment, thinking about the who. Suddenly he didn't feel so hungry, in fact he felt sick, really sick.

"He's not coming, is he?" Suguru asked sickly.

And before Mika could comprehend what was happening Suguru had vomited then promptly passed out. She hurried for Dr. Raeline, who got a few nurses to take care of the mess and fix Suguru into a more dignified sleeping position.

Mika bowed her head.

"Excuse me, Mrs. Seguchi, what did he say?"

"He said no."

"We can't force help upon him, but if you don't let us view the suicide note." She indicated to the paper, Mika was still holding, "We cannot understand why he attempted to do what he did."

"I understand the reason and his reasons for not wanting a therapist are valid. I will personally contact the people responsible and boy will they get it." Mika inwardly smiled, since Tohma denied her of children, taking out her mother-hen instincts on Suguru was the next best thing.

"Bullied?" Dr. Raeline asked, thinking, however impossible, Suguru did attend school and it was highly possible.

"Quite the opposite. No Dr., this is far more complicated." Mika said dismissively walking past and out of the building.

She drove directly to the large company her husband owned and operated, formally known as N.G. Productions. Making her way up the familiar stair cases and elevators she had taken many times, not caring if he was busy she opened the door open and walked distinctly in.

She strode up to Tohma with next to no respect for the Bad Luck members, a new band, Noriko Ukai and Ryuichi Sakuma, as she brought her hand up and across her husband's face.

"You're a heartless bastard." She said calmly, go Uesugi's, they can give as good as they get.

"Mika? What is wrong?" He asked smiling, showing no emotion to just being slapped, and not gently either.

"He's been in hospital for half a week and the person who sent him there won't even acknowledge his existence." Tohma cutely cocked his head.

"Who are you talking about?" She shoved Suguru's suicide note into his hands.

"Read this, if you have some spare time, Suguru might appreciate you at least knowing what you've done to him." Tohma glanced at the paper, ironically had been written on and by a stationary kit Tohma had bought Suguru when he was a child.

"I don't recall doing anything." Tohma defended, smile not wavering.

"Open your eyes, you have a lot more in front of you than you've even begun to imagine." With that she strode across the floor over to the large oak doors, after opening one she turned around and talked in a calm voice.

"Just read the letter and think about everything. Then an apology for misunderstandings would probably not be tossed aside. He's still just a child." She muttered, only Tohma, magically, seemed to hear that inaudible conclusion.

Tohma placed the letter on his desk and turned to the group.

"It's settled then, the joint concert will go as planned, however, if Fujisaki hasn't recovered, I'll take over." A murmur of agreement was heard, as they started to file out.

Mika, had heard this comment, she cringed at Tohma calling Suguru by his surname and knew Suguru, for all his love for the jerk, was going to murder the president if he took his place, at his keyboard, on stage with Bad Luck.

Walking out of N.G. she made a bee line for her car then back to the hospital, Bad Luck would probably get there just after she did, they were scheduled in to the intensive care visiting chart for today.

Walking into Suguru's room, she seen him propped up into a sitting position by some pillows reading a book.

"What are you reading?" She asked politely.

"Suicide for dummies." Suguru said calmly. Mika raced forward and snatched the book and read the cover. 'Loveless' she sighed.

"You worried me." She handed the book back, Suguru placed the book mark that Tohma had given him to mark his page and put the book down.

"But that's what made it funny." He said half smiling. The observation window and audio were turned on, no one said a thing, Suguru didn't notice the lights going on.

"Suguru, do you have a fever?"

"No, why?"

"You're all red."

"I was just thinking about when I received a few things."

"That necklace."

"The ring." The pair fell silent. No one knew Suguru had a necklace, or any jewelry so they had no idea what they were on about.

"Before New York." Suguru just nodded, without warning silent tears started to fall down his face.

"I wouldn't have cared if I lost to you! You're like my mother, but, but…" Suguru drew breath and looked at Mika. "Why? Why did he have to change in America? Why?" Suguru flung himself into Mika's arms as he wept uncontrollably.

"Shh, it's ok Suguru, I wouldn't mind so much to losing to you either."

"He's your fucking brother. Stupid bastard!!!! I hate him!!!" Suguru shouted into Mika's blouse. "I hate the peroxided asshole, who wears platinum blonde nowadays anyway?" He screamed again.

"Suguru." Mika said, trying to sedate him. No luck, before Suguru could shout another insult on her brother or husband, he collapsed. It was now that Mika noticed the window light on, she waved them through, Shuichi however ran out of the hospital all the way home.

He opened the door, Tohma was sitting on the couch and Yuki was standing beside it.

"…if that's what it seems like, that's what it is." Eiri finished his sentence and looked up to see his idiot lover, three hours early from work.

"He tried to commit suicide over me, Eiri. Do you know how that feels?" Yuki's golden eyes looked up to Shuichi who merely blushed furiously of unwanted memories of that particular week.

"Yes, Seguchi, I do."

"Then what do I do?" Shuichi stopped in his tracks, he turned from the kitchen door and peered over at the all powerful man Tohma Seguchi, the man who could own Japan or the world if he tried hard enough, a manipulative bastard, he just asked for help from the best lover with the worst personality.

"Dump me sister, break her for good and follow your goddamn heart, are you stupid or what? Oi, brat, since you're in there make me a coffee. HOT!."

"Ok Yuki." Shuichi called, he loved being treated like Yuki's wife, and it always made him smile and gave him the satisfaction of winning where Tohma was concerned. But whilst making the international coffee, he couldn't help but remember Suguru's words.

'I wouldn't have cared if I lost to you.' Shuichi sighed, he was no love guru, but he knew that Suguru was talking about Tohma, and even though they were cousins, it would seem that Suguru has deep feelings for the keyboardist of Nittle Grasper who was currently sitting on the couch that Shuichi and Yuki had made love on just last night.

As Shuichi handed the mug over to his lover he turned to his boss.

"Suguru cried earlier." Tohma looked up, smile non-existent, shock absorbed.

"He cried?"

"Yeah and said something about losing to someone, I was thinking Yuki. I think he feels like he lost to my lover." Eiri huffed in agreement.

"Lost?"

"Yeah, he said something to Miss. Mika about not caring if he'd lost to her because she's like his mother or something." Shuichi sat on the ground in front of the light blonde.

"I think you should visit him."

"I can't."

"Why not? He knows what happened in New York." Tohma's face went pale.

"He what?"

"He knows about the incident in New York."

"Seguchi." Eiri addressed, picking Tohma up from the couch and leading him to the door, with a must-fuck-the-brat-now-or-die look in his eyes, he stated a few things. "My sister told me about a suicide note. Maybe you should read it."

"Thank-you Eir-." He never got to finish, because Eiri closed the door in his face, to presumably 'fuck the brat'. Tohma inwardly sulked, damn him, he got more sex in a week than Tohma did in a year. The sudden moans coming from the vocalist of Bad Luck made Tohma wonder how Shuichi even had a voice half the time.

He decided that since Eiri suggested it, he would read his cousins note, after all, Mika had inclined that there were several instances inside it that were addressed to him.

Unfolding the crumpled paper, he seated himself in the living room of his mansion. Mika and Suguru designed this place together, down to the last draw in the kitchen and paint scheme on the walls. Letting a small genuine smile slip, Tohma began remembering that particular time.

Mika had truly acted like the mother she wanted to be, Suguru was all too happy to be treated like a son. The way they told the architect every little detail. The furniture they wanted and the three bedrooms. A three story mansion with only three bedrooms.

One for Mika when she was pissed off at Tohma, Tohma and Mika's room and a room especially made for Suguru. Mika had asked Tohma for help on Suguru's room, the smile drooped slightly as he remembered how he had declined, but had said the color the walls should be, aquamarine, to accentuate Suguru's personality.

Tohma sighed and looked at the paintings that Suguru had done. Most abstract, but one particular that always had him wondering, since Suguru had said there was a hidden meaning, 'there's a bit of you and a bit of me.' He had said happily.

He read the first line of the letter, it almost said it all. Reading and remembering the necklace was almost fun, but when the letter started to get serious, Tohma started to realize what had been going on.

Tohma read the last paragraph, tears that he was yet to notice, had started to inconspicuously fall down his pallid skin.

"Good Bye." He repeated putting the letter beside him he raised his hand to move his hair when he stroked right past a wet patch. Steeling a look in the not-so-far-away hall mirror, it was confirmed. Tohma Seguchi was crying.

Looking at the reflection he was brought back to the time where it was always him and Suguru, back to the time where the Uesugi's were just extended family friends of the Seguchi's, back to the piano lessons and that unsaid lullaby.

"Who are you, Tohma Seguchi?" he asked his reflection. Of course it said nothing back. Tohma took a breath and started to do something he hadn't done in years; spoke to his reflection.

"Who am I? I love Eiri, don't I? I protected him after what happened, I would do that to anyone I consider close…" He paused as his breath got caught, no he didn't. Suguru had had worse and Tohma just hadn't cared as much as he should have.

"Mika, my wife, arranged marriages never work. But ours has…n't." He found himself sitting next to the mirror and remembering Suguru running down the stairs...

* * *

"_Tohma! Tohma! Tohma! Come see! You'll like up here much better!" Suguru yelled happily, his unkempt emerald hair wiping in front of his face. Tohma made it up the stairs with ease. His cute cousin seized his hand and dragged him to a particular room._

"_Close your eyes! No peeking" Tohma did as he was instructed. He heard a door opening, being led in, door closing. "No opening your eyes! OKAY?" Tohma nodded, he didn't know what Suguru was up to, but without warning melodious piano music started, he recognized the sound immediately, without regard to the deal no more than twenty seconds ago, he opened his eyes._

_There, sitting behind a large white grand piano, young Suguru Fujisaki sat proudly, playing Tohma's favorite classical piece in the world. 'Fur Elise.' The music stopped abruptly._

"_You opened your eyes, Tohma!" He complained._

"_Where did you learn?" Tohma asked, taking a seat next to his cousin._

"_Noriko." He said happily. Tohma let loose a laugh._

"_Why? Why didn't you ask me?" Suguru's legs started to swing and he broke eye contact with the blonde to stare idly at the ivory keys._

"_I wanted to show you that I'm worthy to be with you."

* * *

_

Snapping out of his flash back, Tohma looked at the mirror and finally understood the confusing words of the eight year old.

Tohma soon found himself in said piano room, looking at the offending piano, where his lessons had started. He always thought Suguru had no idea what he was rambling, but, it would seem, the younger had always known what Tohma was thinking and how he felt.

Sitting down and lifting the top, he let his fingers dance across the keys, playing that practiced song that, he later found out from Noriko herself, Suguru had done everything, used every ounce of energy and concentration to learn how to play this special piece of music for his beloved cousin, Tohma Seguchi.

"I wanted to show you that I'm worthy to be with you." He said aloud. "Oh, Suguru, I'm so sorry." Tohma's head drooped to the keys, which let out an unharmonious sound that reflected Tohma's feelings exactly.

On the other side of town, in the intensive care ward, room 12, top floor, Suguru Fujisaki was also remembering that goddamn day. Hitting his head on the cool window he found himself looking at the height he was. If only he could open these windows and jump.

But, unfortunately, the nurses had taken good care in locking all the windows and keeping Suguru away from anything sharp.

Suguru heard the door open, but didn't respond.

"What are you thinking?" Mika's voice resonated.

"Smashing this window and either using the shards for pain relievers or jumping. Whichever comes first."

"I talked to Tohma today." Suguru mumbled a reply. "He…"

"I don't care Mika." Suguru said, wrapping his slim form over her body. He was not one for older women or any girls, but he enjoyed the parental-like contact he felt whenever he was pressed into Mika's body. He felt safe and loved.

"He'll come around." She assured.

"Can we just stay like this? For a little bit?" Suguru asked, burying his face further into her motherly scent. She said no reply but held tighter as a way of saying 'yes'. Even when Dr. Raeline entered, she didn't let go. Suguru was grateful.

The doctor whispered a few things to Mika, that Suguru didn't hear.

"Send him away. Suguru will see no one. It's his last day." Raeline must have nodded as she left.

"What did you say?"

"Haven't they told you my dear? You're a free man after lunch. They deemed you safe enough to go back home, but you won't be able to work for another week."

"The media?"

"Your manager pulled some strings. They think you had a cold and passed out from negligence."

"Well that's better than failed suicide I suppose." Mika let go and started to pack Suguru's things. "Mum?" Mika turned, that wasn't a first but it always made her smile.

"What is it sweetie?" The reply was the one she normally gave.

"Would it bother you if Tohma and I ever got together?" Mika thought a moment.

"No." She admitted after a while. "I'd be happy for you." Suguru flung his arms around her waist.

"No matter what outcome comes of what's going on, do you think you could…never mind." Suguru went to let go, she tightened the hug.

"What is it Suguru honey?"

"Would you ever be my mum?"

"Why not? Tohma's not going to be giving me kids anytime soon, the gay bastard, but I've always considered you mine, silly." Suguru smiled.

"I don't have a chance." He said sadly. Mika cupped his face.

"One day Suguru. One day he'll make passionate love to you, physically and mentally. You'll be so blown away, the loneliness will end, the pain will go and best of all, your purity will be rewarded most kindly."

"But I'm not pure." Suguru added calmly.

"You are. You haven't been used in a while, sorry, so the likelihood of you being close to or almost identical to a virgin would be pretty close." Suguru smiled and started to dress himself.

"You're right."

"You better believe it." She said, her Uesugi side breaking through.

An hour later Mika turned to Suguru.

"I'll be back to pick you up later. Keep yourself occupied in here, think good thoughts and whatever you do, don't accept visitors, they might send you over the edge again."

"Where are you going?"

"To organize a way for you and me to live together." Suguru smiled.

"Thank-you." It was barely audible, but it didn't pass Mika's hearing. She smiled issued a 'your welcome' and left. Suguru found the corner inviting and sat there, until he fell asleep.

Tohma left the house and got into his car. He had walked here and appreciated the amount of cars he had. As he turned the CD player on he heard Suguru's music. English music. Suguru had a flare for English things, it never made sense.

Listening to it made Tohma come to the legit conclusion that, yes, he had changed in New York. And now he had a huge apology to make. Not the hospital, but a wonderful place, plans and maybe even, divorce papers. It depended on Suguru.

Said cousin woke in his bed in previously mentioned mansion.

"Wha-?" Suguru issued sitting up.

"Hospital's tend to make you tired." Mika said laughing. Hiro was sitting next to her.

"What do you want Nakano?" Suguru asked, not caring in the slightest for his bluntness, because despite his surname, he was a Seguchi through and through and Seguchi's were blunt, direct and to the point.

"I came to see how you were fairing. People at NG miss you."

"Like hell they do." Mika raised an eye brow and chose this moment to leave. Although she was treated and acted like a mother, unlike normal mothers she understood the 'Seguchi way' and that was: you start to piss me off even though I causing it, I'll manipulate everyone in the room.

"Suguru I can't understand what you've been through but, I feel for you."

"No you don't. You just don't have a keyboardist fixing your mistakes." Hiro had to enforce self-control. He had picked on Shuichi's singing and songwriting capabilities a lot in the past, but never, had the boy said anything against Hiro.

"That was harsh."

"And I don't care."

"What did you mean by not having a chance."

"That's none of your business."

"If you love someone-"

"Get out. I don't want to talk to your pushiness any longer, beat it." Suguru rolled over, Mika re entered the room and showed Hiro out and half apologized for the rudeness but Hiro said he sort of understood, Shuichi got like that too sometimes.

"He is better than Shuichi in every way, don't ever compare him again." Mika closed the door and boy did Hiro feel like an idiot.

"Rich families, I'll never understand how you operate." He scoffed.

Tohma walked out of the video store and went to the mansion to set up the evening of apology, but as he pulled up a familiar red car was already parked in the drive-way.

"Mika?" He muttered getting out, leaving the things he had bought in the car he made his way inside.

Mika was in the kitchen humming a tune when she spotted Tohma in a mirror. (The house is full of mirrors, I just love them)

"You gave me a start."

"Is Suguru here?"

"Yes, he's upstairs, asleep."

"We need to talk."

"Elsewhere." Mika went upstairs. She shook Suguru gently.

"Wadizit?" Suguru asked groggily.

"I've got to go get some groceries. Are you going to be alright?"

"Waddeva." Suguru slumped into the pillow and fell immediately back to sleep. Leaving a soft kiss on the forehead, Mika left to meet Tohma.

"Take both cars, we'll talk over lunch." Tohma nodded.

They ordered their meals at the place where they had spent their first meal as husband and wife.

"Why here Tohma?"

"Perhaps I was thinking, what started here, could end here." Tohma sighed. Almost glad for the friendship him and Mika held, he didn't have to be anyone but himself around her.

"Divorce?" Tohma made no response. "I thought you'd never ask." Tohma looked up, surprised.

"Y-you're relieved?"

"Of course I am. How would I feel if the person I consider my son, committed adultery with my husband?" Tohma let a hollow laugh loose.

"You're right."

"I don't mind. As long as it's not for Eiri. Because losing to my brother is worse than my son." Tohma fully laughed.

"How so?"

"Eiri has someone. Suguru is lonely." Tohma nodded.

"Speaking of Suguru what's going to happen?"

"He asked me, earlier today, to become his mother."

"Mika." Tohma started, putting his hand over hers. "No matter what happens you and I will always be the friends we are now. You are free to use my credit cards and live in your favorite apartment." Mika looked up.

"Really?"

"I'd let you live in the mansion but…" Tohma trailed, he didn't really want to say it out loud, but knowing Mika-

"You would feel funny making him scream with me in the next room." – She would state the obvious any way.

The table fell silent.

"You'd better issue the apology of a life-time."

"I will."

"Tohma, he may seem strong, but promise me, as his adopted mother, you'll be gentle, it's been a while y'know."

"Actually, Mika, I didn't know about that."

"What?" She asked skeptically.

"I had no idea, he was being used."

"Your apology is growing larger by the minute, so is your grave."

"I'll start with you. I'm sorry Mika."

"Don't be. It was interesting. Suguru needs you more than I do and well, I need more sex."

"Sorry." Tohma said, slightly flushing. Although he was who he was, sex was not a welcome topic.

"It's ok, it's not your fault your gay."

"You dyke." Mika's fork dropped.

"What is it?"

"What did you call me?"

"A dyke." Mika looked at him seriously.

"And if I am?" Tohma thought a moment.

"I can't discriminate can I?"

"Oh good, good."

"Why?"

"No reason, just Noriko and I have been on a few adventures over the past month."

"Is that all?" Tohma asked relieved.

The rest of the meal was small talk and Tohma revealing his plans for his apology. Mika agreed to be out of sight out of mind by sun down tomorrow, she was informed, Suguru would be better off then. However had warned him his body still would not take to Sex immediately, nor would his mind. But if the time came, do what is in the best interest in her 'son'.

"Good Bye Mika. And Thank-You."

"No, Thank-You, Tohma. It's been an experience." With that they went there separate ways. Tohma to NG, Mika to the mansion to pack. She wouldn't tell Suguru, after all, the day after tomorrow was his big day. And it was all a secret from the teen.

Until the day after tomorrow that is.

Suguru remained in his bedroom the entire time. This made it a lot easier for Tohma to set things up for his apologetic night of love and lust.

The day after tomorrow finally arrived. Tohma had been sitting at the table the entire day. He had been able to read Suguru's patterns by now. The teen would come out soon and get a drink or something small to eat.

Tohma heard the kitchen door open; he raced out of sight and allowed his cousin to go about his routine.

Suguru opened the refrigerator. Tohma was surprised at how the teen was; in fact, Tohma was certain that had he not been watching the latter drink out of the milk carton, he would not have hen was there at all.

Suguru closed the silver door then made his way to the lounge. Tohma's eyes never let themselves stop their feasting. They followed the emerald haired boy into the lounge.

The blonde quietly followed the teen; Suguru was yet to acknowledge the elders' presence. Tohma's hand reached out and rested on Suguru's shoulder, Suguru flung himself around and landed into Tohma's arms.

"Mika!" He yelled. A few seconds after impact he seemed to realize that something was wrong and looked up to see whether he had just done that to Mika or not. His chocolate orbs met those colored by aquamarine.

Suguru simply pulled out of the now unwanted embrace, what could he say to this man? Tohma noticed Suguru start to walk away, without thinking; he grabbed a hold of Suguru's wrist.

"ARGHHHH!" Suguru screamed in pure agony, falling to the floor, Tohma had let go instantly and now looked at the bandaged wrists, to see fresh blood start to collect on the outer layer of fabric. Suguru had tears falling slowly down his cheeks as he tried his best to repress the pain that had just erupted up his arm and straight into his heart.

The blonde knelt down in front of the teen, without asking permission he dropped to his knees and pulled Suguru into a gentle embrace, in which the latter immediately pulled away and took a few steps back, his knees hit the end of the couch, grateful for great timing, he sat in his favorite crevice in the corner but did not take his eyes off of the other keyboardist.

A tense moment settled over the pair, as Tohma lifted himself and situated his body on the floor beneath Suguru's feet.

"I don't have anything I want to say to you Mr. Seguchi." Suguru said boldly. The words cut through Tohma like ice. Never in all their years together had Suguru called Tohma, Mr. Seguchi, when work was not involved.

"I do, so please hear me out." Tohma said, lifting his head to look into the dark eyes he enjoyed staring at so much. Tohma was glad for his position because at that particular moment he didn't feel good enough to sit on the same level as his cousin, not after what had happened.

"I am so sorry." Suguru returned the stare with intrigue. "I'm sorry for everything I put you through. Just, why didn't you talk to me?"

"You don't care." Tohma lunged over to his precious younger and held him in a desperate embrace.

"I care, I always will. Goddammit Suguru, I care." Suguru shifted backwards, indicating he did not like the idea of being held by his elder at this particular time. Tohma kept close and the two made silent eye lock.

Tohma was in a state of not knowing what to do when Suguru neared him, his green eyes widening as Suguru's soft lips came into contact with his supple ones.

The kiss was just lip to lip. A symbolic apology of love. It wasn't lustful or thankful, but sad, so sad. Tohma made no move to become the dominant one in the kiss, he just allowed his cousin to sort his feelings in his own way.

Suguru moved his lips away but did not push Tohma away.

"I hate you." He stated, his hands that had trailed to Tohma's neck were playing in strands of platinum blonde. "I hate everything that you are." Suguru drew a slow breath of Tohma's air and scent. "I hate your music skills, your company, your life, I hate your hair, I hate your eyes, I hate your being, I really hate the sight of you. You're a manipulative bastard."

Suguru closed the space between their lips in an identical kiss to earlier. Tohma still made no move to dominate the kiss, he just wanted the younger to vent.

"And for all my resentment of you I…I…" Suguru couldn't bring himself to say it. Tohma placed his lips upon Suguru's this time. But instead he tried a bolder move; he pressed a little harder, but did not deepen the kiss, no matter how much he wanted to.

Tohma leaned back, it was his turn.

"I read your letter and I admit, I'm a jerk."

"You're not!" Suguru shouted tears spilling from his eyes. "You're not a jerk!"

"I am and all I ask is your forgiveness now that-."

"Forgiven!" He said without thought. Tohma leaned in on Suguru and latched his mouth onto those petal soft lips again. The younger leaned into the kiss alerting Tohma that he wanted the elder to push further. Tohma ran his tongue along his cousin's bottom lip, Suguru opened his mouth in shock, Tohma plunged inside the moist cavern. Exploring, mapping, tasting every little bit. Hearing the Bad Luck member moan involuntarily made Tohma feel more breathless than he was.

Suguru suddenly felt a head rush and fell no noticeable distance into Tohma's arms, gasping for air.

"Tohma." Suguru groaned clutching the blond's shirt like it was the last thing in the world. Oh yes, Tohma thought, lose yourself.

Suguru looked up with question in his eyes, answering the silent plea, Tohma locked lips with the boy again. The blonds slender fingers started to unbutton the shirt on the latter's back.

The younger keyboardist became helpless when the elder's strangely warm fingers came into contact with his bare flesh. They danced across his skin and gliding over his pert nipples. Tohma moaned when he shifted slightly and his arousal was grated over his jeans.

Suguru pulled away, thinking Tohma deserved some pampering, he slipped his fingers in at the separation at the top of Tohma's lavender shirt and ran it down, the buttons unbuttoning as he did so.

Soon that shirt joined the other on the floor. Before Tohma could comprehend the situation, Suguru leaned forward and ran his tongue across Tohma's right nipple.

"Uhn!" Tohma let slip as he threw his head back in ecstasy. Suguru jumped back slightly.

"Did I hurt you?" The inexperienced younger asked, not knowing that A: he had caught Tohma off guard B: Tohma had almost screamed his name and C: His elder and beloved cousin almost blew his load.

"No, you didn't hurt me." Suguru looked relieved.

Without warning a gush of emotion fell over Suguru and he hugged his cousin, making their bare chests rub warmly over each other.

"I love you!" Tohma lifted a tear stained, face.

"I love you too." A look came over Suguru's face. Tohma had only seen this when Suguru was a child, his Seguchi side was about to show.

"No you don't." There it was.

"Please believe me, I've been a fool."

"I'll say." Suguru scoffed.

"I'm sorry, I didn't visit you in hospital, I just-."

"Lies!" Suguru cut in.

"Really I'm sorry."

"So you should be." Tohma wanted to move away, but knew he had to stand his ground or else.

"I really need you to believe me." Tohma said a little too desperately. Suguru moved back with a small huff.

"So." He stayed stubbornly. Tohma grabbed Suguru's shoulders and gave them a little shake.

"Listen to me; I love you. I've been blinded by the incident in New York." Tohma idly traced shapes into Suguru's skin. "Before what happened, happened, I was going to come back and confess my love to you. But, Suguru, something bad happened, Eiri, apart from being in my care was gang raped by strangers."

"And I was raped continually by my father." Suguru retorted. Tohma pulled him into an embrace.

"How can I get you to believe me?" Suguru thought a moment.

"By accepting my sacrilegious gift." Tohma looked uncertain.

"Your body?" He asked with reference to the suicide note. Suguru's eyes gleamed over, His Fujisaki side showing once more. Suguru pressed his naked chest into Tohma again. Tohma kissed Suguru's chest, he kissed his neck, his cheek then finally claimed his lips into a passionate kiss.

Tohma delved deeper an allowed his fingers to dance around Suguru's lithe form. His fingertips enjoyed the feel of Suguru's pajama pants. Tohma parted to let Suguru breathe. Which was accompanied by an instinctual groan of protest to the lack of contact.

Not one to lose moments, Tohma suckled Suguru's neck and stroked the inside of Suguru's thighs. This boy was going to cum, and he was going to cum more than once.

Suguru's long feminine nails scraped Tohma's chest, leaving behind faint red marks in their wake. Tohma's head was jerked between a throw back in ecstasy and trying to keep his eyes on Suguru.

Suguru inched closer, as soon as he had seen Tohma's reaction to a little pain, he decided they were alike. He moved closer again, lifted himself higher toward Tohma's unsuspecting hearing range.

"Fuck me."

"What?" Tohma looked at Suguru in disbelief. Suguru half sighed.

"Fuck me, make me scream, fuck me, make me plead, for the love of music, fuck me Tohma." He said louder, bolder and more demandingly.

Suguru kissed Tohma dominantly, the blonde found it hard to become leader in this kiss, so he opted for just tugging Suguru's pants down, allowing him access to what he already knew was there.

When Suguru moved away, Tohma realized the coolness of his upper thigh and with more than a hint of a blush, noticed that Suguru had successfully pulled his pants off him.

Suguru smiled with pride, because seriously, how many people could say they had Tohma Seguchi, all powerful man, distracted long enough to pull his pants off? Only Suguru.

Tohma smiled with satisfaction. Suguru smiled also, however his was harbored by a more virgin look. Tohma took about point five seconds to get fully aroused by this look before he lunged in to claim his cousins lips in the most captivating kiss they'd shared yet.

Suddenly a white light white filled the room. The pair parted from the kiss but made no move to see where the light had emitted from.

Biting his lower lip, Suguru picked himself up a bit and levered himself just above Tohma's left shoulder, as soon as his chocolate brown eyes caught sight of the two people standing at the door of the living room, he retracted into his elder cousin's chest.

"Media." He whispered. Tohma turned, not fully, but just enough to see the photographer and reporter.

"How can I help you?" He asked showing only a Seguchi smile.

"He's your cousin, do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"Yeah, FUCK OFF!" Suguru yelled before Tohma even had a chance to say anything to defend himself.

Tohma's arms snaked around the latter as he addressed the pair.

"You've entered my home without permission, do you have anything to say for _your_self?" The blonde said quick wittedly. The pair rushed forward and snapped more pictures. Tohma felt his chest getting steadily wetter, one small look answered all questions.

Suguru Fujisaki was crying.

Brown eyes opened and looked around a white hospital room. As realization of where he was set in, he began to cry.

Sliding the knife he had swiped from the food tray the previous day, he ripped the support systems and monitors off his body, placing the knife to his now un-bandaged wrist he slid it easily across.

From there on in, everything became a blur of colors and meaningless sounds.

Dr. Raeline entered, Mika and a certain blonde president of N.G. trailing behind, Raeline raced out to get help, but when it arrived it was already too late. Suguru was past the point of no return.

Stepping forward, Tohma took the limp form into his arms.

"Suguru, hold on please." He begged, later he would be furious at himself for being so out of character, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

"…T…o…h…m…a…" He muttered, as larger, stronger arms enclosed him in a loving embrace.

"I love you, I love you so much. Please don't leave me here alone, without you." Suguru's tears blended with blood in a failed self attempt to wipe them away.

"…I'm…sorry…I…love…you…Tohma…I'm…sorry." Tohma, sensing the unsaid question, leant in and kissed Suguru gently.

A soft, loving gentle gesture just to say two words. Something to signify that Tohma would be with him in his decision to leave this world for the next. And only two words could ever say that.

Good Bye

* * *

**Authors Note: **Grabs nearest box of Kleenex! Oh my god I feel like crying. SUGURU!!!! I LOVE YOU!!! (not as much as Tohma but…..) DON'T LEAVE THIS WORLD!!!

Sorry guys but suicidal maniacs don't change overnight. I know from experience. I've been there and done that. Anyhoo.In case you didn't get that, it was all basically a dream, a silent wish that may have been granted, but we all get to the place where we can no longer do or say anything. I look at Suguru and see a lot of myself. So much so that it's quite easy to see what and where he'd think this or that. I don't like rambling so I'll shut up now. P.S. I hope you're not crying, my writing isn't that good.

R&R please, I had over 300 hits and only 2 reviews last time, I would appreciate it if that didn't happen again


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